A guy purchased his wife a pocket stun gun for their 15th wedding anniversary & submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser, the effects of which were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term, adverse affects on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety!? Way too cool! Long story short (ha, ha), I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button…. nothing! I was disappointed, but soon learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between its’ prongs.
AWESOME! Unfortunately, I’ve yet to explain to my wife how the face of her microwave got burnt! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy and was thinking to myself “how bad could it be with only two little AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie (trusting little soul) looking on intently while I read the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this out on a real flesh and blood, moving target.
I have to admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, and then thought better of it (she’s such a sweet cat), but if I was going to give this thing to my wife for protection, I did want some assurance the damn thing was going to work!
Am I wrong? So, there I sat in my shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and the taser in the other. The directions read that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of of bodily control; and a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water! Any burst longer than that would be wasting the batteries!
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring 5″ long and less than 3/4″ around; pretty cute, really and thinking to myself, “no way with only 2 little AAA batteries!” What happened next is beyond description, but I’ll try my best ….? With Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say “don’t do it dipshit,” I sat reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad, could it? I decided to give myself a one seocond burst just for the hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF F*&@!’n GOD … WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION … WHAT THE HELL!
I was certain Jesse Ventura had run through the door, picked me up aand body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my arm tucked under me in the oddest position and tingling in my legs!? The cat was making strange meowing sounds I’d never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt of avoiding getting slammed by my thrashing body all over the living room floor! Important note: if you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, a word of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You won’t be able to let go of the F*&@!’n thing until it’s dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor!
And a three second burst would be considered conservative!? SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure as time was a relative thing at that point,) I collected my wits (what little were left), sat up and surveyed my surroundings. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace and the recliner was upside down about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat! My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching, my face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds (I had no control over the drooling!) I apparently shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone! I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my nuts ; I’m offereing a significant reward for their return!! My wife loved the gift and now threatens me on a regular basis with the damned thing! So, if you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
